When Your Values Make You Uncomfortable

One of my most memorable speaking and coaching moments happened when I had the opportunity to speak to a room full of incredible women. During the session, I walked them through an exercise to identify one core value — one word that could guide their decisions and behavior moving forward.

We had a beautiful, open discussion afterward. Women started sharing their words and what those words meant to them.

And then one woman raised her hand and said she felt angry and frustrated.

And I thought, Oh no… what did I do?

But here’s the thing about self-exploration: when you stir the water, the murky stuff rises to the surface. Awareness can feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it forces us to see what we’ve been ignoring.

Her word was openness.

As she reflected, she realized she practiced openness in nearly every area of her life — except in romantic relationships. And suddenly it became clear why those relationships felt constrained and disconnected.

That realization made her angry.

And honestly? That’s normal.

When we recognize the gap between who we say we are and how we’re actually living, it can sting.

The next day, I received a call from an unknown number. I almost ignored it — but in my line of work, you answer the phone.

It was her.

She said, “Coach Val, I have to tell you what happened today.”

She had gone to the grocery store and decided — intentionally — to practice openness everywhere.

She struck up a conversation with a man. Something she said she would have shut down almost immediately before that session.

That conversation led to him asking for her number. They made plans.

And she told me, “I never would have done that before.”

And in that moment, I thought, Yes. This is why we do the work.

Values don’t just highlight our strengths. They expose our blind spots. They shine a light on where we’re out of alignment.

But we can’t change what we aren’t aware of.

Living fully connected lives — in leadership, in relationships, in work — begins with self-awareness and self-acceptance.

I’m so proud of her. Not because she met someone at the grocery store.

But because she felt anger, acknowledged it, and chose growth anyway.

That’s what living your values really looks like.

It’s not comfortable.

But it is powerful.

So I’ll leave you with this:

Where might you be out of alignment with the value you claim matters most?

And what would it feel like if you lived it fully?